Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The Five Tools of Lunch

My brethren do many things to agitate me. Take one scout for example. For every afternoon game that I see him, he brings a picnic basket of sorts. It's really a cooler bag but it might as well be a picnic basket. I simply marvel at his routine. He sits behind home plate with his radar gun and then like clockwork in the bottom of the second, out comes lunch. Many would ask why he doesn't eat before the game? Good question, but then again, he's never been on time for any game I've seen him at. But at least he usually makes it before the bottom of the first. Anyhow, he slips the radar gun back into his laptop bag and then gently unzips his cooler bag.

Always on top is a printed paper napkin. He removes it and unfolds it from the right. He then places it down on the bleachers to his right. Always to his right. He smoothes out the napkin-- I'll swear to this. And then he removes a vegetable and puts it on the top left corner of his napkin. Sometimes broccoli, sometimes sliced peppers, but mostly raw carrots packed tightly inside a ziplock baggie. Then out comes a fruit. Sometimes a banana, sometimes a tupperware full of strawberries, but mostly red delicious apples (I can hear the crunch from a mile away). He puts this on the top right.

Then a yogurt appears out of the bag. A freaking yogurt. And not just any type of yogurt, but the kind with granola on top. Sometimes plain vanilla, sometimes raspberry, but mostly mixed fruit. He puts the yogurt on the bottom left corner of his napkin. Of course, the last thing he removes from the bag is a sandwich. And you guessed it-- bottom right corner. Sometimes tuna fish, sometimes egg salad, but mostly oven roasted turkey (Okay I really don't know if it's oven roasted but that's just my guess) and always on wheat! And what does he drink you ask? He takes a bottled water from his laptop bag and places it--- yep, right in the middle of the napkin. Ah . . . the five tools of lunch. He's a complete player. Takes a quick look around (probably just to see if others are noticing his masterpiece) and then starts on the carrots, finishing each course before moving to the next. Lunch easily lasts until the sixth inning. All the while, he's completely oblivious to the game. And without fail, he leaves by the middle of the eighth. Can you guess which team he scouts for?

And this is just for starters. Never mind the scouts who have no intention of signing one of my prospects but spend 30 minutes over the phone telling the kid he's the next David Wright and that they plan on taking him in the Xth round- three rounds ahead of where we were going to take him. Of course, the scout is doing this in hopes that we will get nervous and blow an earlier-than-needed draft pick on the kid thus freeing up some of the talent that should really be taken in the Xth round. Just one of the many tricks I see this time of year.

5 Comments:

Anonymous bmc said...

Kansas City?

8:50 AM  
Blogger Cutter said...

Is that the consensus?

11:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uh, why are you spending time watching another scout eat a healthy lunch? Maybe if you more healthy, you would be doing better off. And besides, maybe the other scout can eat and evaluate talent at the same time. Maybe he doesn't like writing notes while he watches a player- he waits to reflect.

This post is, without a doubt, the dumbest post you have ever written. Get over yourself.

12:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

suppose you could go ahead and tell us, ignore the other anonymous, if you dont like it dont read it

4:15 PM  
Blogger Cutter said...

Actually, I'm doing just fine eating my Wendy's drive-thru. In fact, looking at his draftees over the years as compared to mine, perhaps he should consider trading-in his little cooler bag for a Wendy's pre-game meal. But unfortunately for me, that's not saying much over the last couple of years.

If I had a nickel . . .

ps: once again, feel free to post anonymously, but it might be helpful for the others if you could perhaps use an alias so that we could string together your comments to see where you are coming from over time. Just a suggestion, of course.

11:23 PM  

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